Hindsight

I stopped writing, obviously. Life got a little too painful and a lot too stressful. Omi struggled bitterly with the cancer before it finally took her life on December 13. She got pretty mean at the end. In two plus months of hindsight I think that was due to fear, pain, anger, and changes in her hormones. It was hard to give unselfishly when at times you felt as if she hated you. But, glory to God, I gave. I'm so thankful I did. Hospice said that the patients usually are meanest to those they are closest to. Semone, Jack, and the rest of the family may never even know how she really got. At first I was angry about that. Then I realized what it meant. A general rule in life is that the greatest gifts often come at a hefty price tag. This one did. Best goodbye Omi ever gave me happened just a few days before her death. She died on a Friday. I want to say it was Wednesday but I may be wrong about that, it might have been Tuesday. I know no one else was there except for Dad so it was before the circus began. Mom and I were moving her, giving her meds, and changing her. She could no longer talk and didn't have much control over any of her limbs. She reached up towards my face as I was leaning over her. I flinched thinking she would strike me. Instead she pulled me close and kissed my face. I looked deep in her eyes and knew in my gut this was it. The last time I would see my Omi there. Her eyes spoke all the things her mouth couldn't, joy, peace- but, communicated to me there was love, thankfulness, pride. I knew she was saying "goodbye" as tears streamed down her face. Just a little, water was a precious commodity to her body, by this point she was 5+ days without water. I love that moment in my life. It ranks right up there with some of the greatest moments with Brian and Jadon. Omi was my kindred spirit the person who really got me. To say I miss talking to her is the biggest understatement of the century. My heart hurts, that's how much I miss her. But, I know it's time to make an effort to sort through feelings, come to peace with it all, and move forward in the Lord. He has given me a great life. I choose to live for Him in the blessings of what I still have and not in the sorrow of what I have lost. I have two full days here in Lincoln with two of my very, best friends. I am going to live them. Step one, CHECK!