The Surgery Comes

This was originally published around June of 2007: I spent yesterday on a "date" with my son. I am so pleased with the best little friend the Lord has given me. I can't explain the incredible bond I have this wee one of 6 years. We had such a great time sharing laughs, secrets, jokes, and a very large soda pop. I took him shopping for some special toys for after his surgery at the discount store, (it's pratically a large yard sale, price wise) and to the fun center. I got to watch him explore the "big toy" and test his bravery and courage on a very large and fast slide. He made friends and I was pleased to see him help all the younger children. I wish I could give him a sibling. He brought his baby, "Xander Isaiah" and was such a good "Daddy". He dressed Xander in a special outfit and made sure he got a turn on every toy. He just made my heart swell with joy, to see such a beautiful heart and personality the Lord has nurtured in him. Wow! At the end of the magical day, he told me "Mom you are my very faithful friend." Sob, sob, all I could do was hold him in my arms and kiss his sweet cheek and tell him he was my very faithful friend too and always would be. I love my precious gift, he is such a beautiful person.

Hindsight

I stopped writing, obviously. Life got a little too painful and a lot too stressful. Omi struggled bitterly with the cancer before it finally took her life on December 13. She got pretty mean at the end. In two plus months of hindsight I think that was due to fear, pain, anger, and changes in her hormones. It was hard to give unselfishly when at times you felt as if she hated you. But, glory to God, I gave. I'm so thankful I did. Hospice said that the patients usually are meanest to those they are closest to. Semone, Jack, and the rest of the family may never even know how she really got. At first I was angry about that. Then I realized what it meant. A general rule in life is that the greatest gifts often come at a hefty price tag. This one did. Best goodbye Omi ever gave me happened just a few days before her death. She died on a Friday. I want to say it was Wednesday but I may be wrong about that, it might have been Tuesday. I know no one else was there except for Dad so it was before the circus began. Mom and I were moving her, giving her meds, and changing her. She could no longer talk and didn't have much control over any of her limbs. She reached up towards my face as I was leaning over her. I flinched thinking she would strike me. Instead she pulled me close and kissed my face. I looked deep in her eyes and knew in my gut this was it. The last time I would see my Omi there. Her eyes spoke all the things her mouth couldn't, joy, peace- but, communicated to me there was love, thankfulness, pride. I knew she was saying "goodbye" as tears streamed down her face. Just a little, water was a precious commodity to her body, by this point she was 5+ days without water. I love that moment in my life. It ranks right up there with some of the greatest moments with Brian and Jadon. Omi was my kindred spirit the person who really got me. To say I miss talking to her is the biggest understatement of the century. My heart hurts, that's how much I miss her. But, I know it's time to make an effort to sort through feelings, come to peace with it all, and move forward in the Lord. He has given me a great life. I choose to live for Him in the blessings of what I still have and not in the sorrow of what I have lost. I have two full days here in Lincoln with two of my very, best friends. I am going to live them. Step one, CHECK!

Results are in...

The results came in from the doctor today on my Omi's CT scan. The scan did show definite spots on her lungs. They are not positive it is cancer but it could be. It also could be inflammation from a passing infection. There is no further testing to be done as it does not make a difference whether it is lung cancer or not. They do know it wasn't there in 2007 when they did the last CT scan of her chest. My mom and I have noticed more shortness of breath in Omi the last week or so. Either explanation would account for that. Somber news... Also, for the first time today Omi really grasped the fact that this was terminal. We (mom, dad, myself) had a beautiful but painful heart to heart with her after lunch. She admitted that she has felt in her gut for awhile now that she would not see Christmas. We decided that we would make every single day Christmas from here on out. Everyday would be a celebration of just being together. We cried....a lot. My heart is heavy today. My stomach is in knots. It sounds like Omi will not take chemo. She said she doesn't want to spend the time she has left sick from chemo and in the hospital when there is no hope for cure. Last night she had break through pain and had to be given Norco. This morning, too. In light of that the doctor has up-ed her morphine to 15mg every 8 hours instead of every 12. We are really hoping that helps. She hardly ate or drank yesterday at all and breakfast wasn't much better. Lunch was alright. I have fresh, hot apfel strudel waiting for her when she wakes up from her nap.  I am hoping that that tickles her taste buds and puts a smile on that beautiful face of hers. Lastly, if all that isn't enough, Brian's Uncle Stan, Ruth's brother, was found dead in his home yesterday. They figured he died on Sunday, in his easy chair, watching T.V. Brian will speak tomorrow at the viewing and Friday at the graveside internment. Brian and Jadon may be coming down this weekend. I am secretly hoping so because otherwise it will be another 16 days before I see them. A grand total of 19 days. Well, this is hodge podge today. Very scattered thoughts. Nikki, if you read this before mom has had a chance to call you don't be offended. She had her hair appointment this afternoon and we got the call from the doctor just before that. I would call but I know mom wants to tell you herself. I love you, Sissy! I wish you were here!

Until tomorrow....ha!

I laugh when I read how I finished my last post. I always have these lofty goals and they never quite work out. In all actuality though I should be happy with the fact that I am blogging more than once every three years. Right? Especially considering the fact this has been the weirdest and most difficult time of my life. Anyway, so here is what has been happening the last little bit. Brian and Jadon came for the weekend this last weekend. It was so great to see them. Words fail me when I try to describe or even think how to describe how happy I was to see their faces and feel their hugs. My boy is blooming under the one on one time with his Daddy. He has matured so much! I see so much of Brian's personality wearing off on him and I am proud of who he is becoming. My husband is a good man, and a wise man, and most of all, a man who loves the Lord and seeks Him in all his decisions. I love that about him. This decision for me to stay with Omi until her passing has been so incredibly difficult in so many ways. The right decisions usually are. I thank the Lord daily for all of those who are helping to make this decision possible. My sister and her family just recently committed to overseeing Jadon's home-school and care during the day. I believe Jadon will go over to her house for the first time tomorrow. I am sure Jadon will blossom under her, too. She is a better teacher than me. He is blessed to have her. Their commitment to do this was such an answer to prayer because Brian's family was giving us fits thinking I was shirking my responsibility to my family by staying with my Omi. I can see their point if I look at it through their perspective. I was deeply hurt by the insinuation. But, I ultimately rested in the knowledge that my husband has my back on this and my conscience is clean before the Lord. And, if I had any doubts remaining, Leslie's comment on my facebook status for the weekend confirmed I was where I needed to be. She, of all people, would know what would and would not give a person regrets in this situation. Extended family over here continue to boggle my mind. I just don't get it. Actions and words are not aligning and I feel the deep sense that trust is not something that should be extended too greatly in any situation. I take that as from the Lord and apply it in appropriate measure. And, that is all I will say about that for now. Oh, I guess I will say one more thing, I have been amazed how I will take something to the Lord concerning them or a situation with them and see His hand work. I find it most amusing because they have such a deep hatred of my faith and belief in the Lord. Then, I see Him unfold a situation exactly how I prayed it would go and I chuckle at the fact that the God they despise so greatly worked in their life to accomplish things according to His will through my prayer and I just find it so ironic. I'll admit, my heart is not in the right place when I chuckle. And, I have to ask the Lord's forgiveness in that. I am so glad He is so patient with me. Lastly, yet another day spent yesterday at St. Luke's in Boise. Omi had a CT scan of her chest and pelvis to see if the cancer has spread to other organs or areas and also this will provide the much anticipated staging of her cancer that we have been waiting for. We know, at this point, that she is at least in stage 3. We wait to find out if she is in stage 4. We also had a consultation with a NP and a social worker concerning chemo and Omi's case. It was mildly helpful. They were honest with her that cure was not an option in her case and that perhaps the time she had left, which was relatively short, would be better spent doing the things she loves with family rather than seeing them every week for chemo and being sick. However, they have such a pro-chemo viewpoint that while they said one thing, another came through. I don't know! I am just praying the Lord works in Omi's heart to help her to make the right decision. I certainly hate to think of her suffering unnecessarily with chemo symptoms and I am worried that the chemo alone will kill her or at least make her wish she were dead. We did learn why Omi's eating and digesting of food is making her lose weight despite how much or little we are able to feed her. She lost another almost pound in one week. Apparently, the pancreas not functioning is the root of that problem. She can not absorb the nutrition from the food she does manage to get down. She only will get a small percentage of it. Scary! That and the NP said her GI tract is just slowing down in general. Reminded me of what happened to sweet Donna. That scared me and made me very sad. God's hand is on the timing of all of this. And, I know He continues to work in her heart. Our prayers do not fall on deaf ears. And, I am trusting Him completely!!! Until tomorrow.... :)

Wow, I didn't see that coming!

Today marks 16 days on an "adventure" that is bittersweet. I can't really process everything that has happened and is happening and will happen.I have been away from home now for 16 days. I will stay in Mountain Home now until Omi passes. It is such a weird thought and thing to vocalize. Short of a Sunday that Jadon and Brian came to visit; I have not seen them in person. I thank the Lord for Skype! At least I can see them most every day that way. I know down the road I will want to remember just how all this went down. So, here is the skeleton time frame. Just the facts...well...I might put in a few feelings here and there. The last week of September my mom told me that Omi's tests came back showing what appeared to be pancreatic cancer. We knew she had been feeling ill for awhile and to be honest this beast had crossed our minds. She said that on October 1, Omi would have an appointment with Dr. Traverso in Boise. He is a pancreatic specialist. I talked to Brian and we decided that I would go with mom to be with Omi during this time. September 30, Monday, we left for Mountain Home. I had just seen my Omi a few weeks before on our way to Seattle. When I saw her Monday afternoon my heart sank. Her appearance had changed so much in that time span. But, I scooped that sweet Omi in my arms and thanked the sweet Lord that I was here with her. October 1, Tuesday, we saw Dr. Traverso. We were told that while nothing was definite, pending lab reports, this was pancreatic cancer. The tumor was so large it was blocking/constricting a bile duct. It had wrapped itself around the SMV (a large, main vein)and possibly putting pressure on the main artery next to the SMV and surrounding tissue. We would be having an appointment to get a stent put in and a biopsy to decide what chemo to use. Because the tumor is so large surgery to remove it was not a possibility. We would have to start chemo to shrink the tumor. October 2, Wednesday we noticed that Omi was turning yellow. We called Debbie with Dr. Traverso's office. She scheduled an emergency procedure the following day. October 3, Thursday we went to St. Luke's, Meridian. Failed ERCP, the tumor is too large, it was blocking their path to where to place the stent and draw the biopsy. They sent Omi over to medical imaging to have the stent put in percutainiously (sp?) and also draw the biopsy that way. Success, sort of. They put a drain bag in instead of a stent for the weekend, obtained a very good biopsy, and scheduled the stent for the following week. We spent the night in the hospital. October 4, Friday we went home. October 5, Saturday, early morning trip to the ER, St. Luke's, Downtown. The flow to the drainage bag had dramatically decreased over night. PTL! everything was fine and they sent us on our way. The decrease was totally normal. Saturday night was HORRIBLE! Omi was in excruciating pain. We spent the night stroking her, rubbing her feet, and just being with her. It was so scary and awful! Finally, early in the morning, after talking to numerous nurses we convinced Omi to take a pain pill (Vicodin), just half, but boy did it make a world of difference. October 7, Monday we went to St. Luke's Downtown to have the stent put in. The procedure went well and the only "complication" was Omi had extreme pain afterwards and for a few days following.We had to flush the tube every day even though the stent was in place. They kept it in in case the stent didn't take. That nurse's training all those years ago is paying off in spades for me! God does know what He is doing and has a plan. Kind of funny! October 15, Tuesday we went back to St. Luke's Downtown. We had an appointment with Dr. Arteta, the oncologist. I was extremely disappointed in him. He failed to have the latest report from Dr. Traverso and was going on what we assume was an old. Whatever happened he gave Omi false information that her tumor was small and hadn't grown outside the pancreas. Because of this he couldn't figure out how it was causing such problems. At this point,we stopped him in his tracks and told him he was saying things that completely went against Dr. Traverso. We told him what Dr. Traverso had told us and he decided he should probably talk to him before he went any further. He left and while he was unable to actually reach the doctor he did get a copy of his report. He entered the room with quite a different air about him. He said we need to start chemo right away and we are scheduled to start next Tuesday, the 22nd. Of course, we are concerned that chemo will be way TOO hard on Omi. We have a chest and pelvic scan on Monday and at that time Omi should be able to meet with a NP to answer her specific questions concerning the chemo. They want to do Gemzar. They may even combine it with something else!?!? A good thing that came from that appointment. They started Omi on Morphine every 12 hours. It will manage the cancer pain better so that hopefully she will be able to eat easier and rest throughout the night. Up to this point mom and I have been waking up every 4-6 hours throughout the night to try and stay on top of the pain with Vicodin. Today she started her first pill, this morning. It has really helped. Yesterday, the tube came out too. No more flushing, no more changing dressings, for now anyway. and, Omi can soon take a shower and sleep on her right side again. She is happy about that! Not much new today. just the emotional roller coaster for everyone accepting the fact that there is NO cure for her. The chemo will only shrink the tumor enough to provide some comfort. Decisions to be made because of that. Poor Omi! How hard that must be. I can not even imagine. Of course, we continue to pray in earnest for her salvation. And, we trust that the Lord is faithful and will not ignore these prayers and those that have preceded them for decades of years now. I enjoy just loving on my Omi and try not to think about the tremendous loss that is coming down the road for me. I honestly don't know how I will function without her. But, I am not thinking about that now. That is a problem or worry for another day. I just enjoy her, as much a spossible, every single day, every single moment. That is all for today. Until tomorrow....

Greetings from Sunny Seattle

This week finds me in Seattle. Although, if we were really being technical, we are in Suquamish. Suquamish is a little island near Bainbridge Island across the Sound from Seattle. It is breathtakingly beautiful. We are staying at the Clearwater Casino and Resort. Again, beautiful! When they say clearwater they mean it in the strictest sense of the word. We are talking Redfish Lake clear here, people. The only part of this trip that makes my heart ache from disappointment is that the beach is closed because of stairs that are falling apart. So sad! I really want to feel that water and be that close to it because it is so gorgeous. All in all, this trip is such a huge blessing. We knew we couldn't afford a get away this year and so when this fell in our laps we praised the Lord for this special little gift. The timing was perfect as life at home has been overwhelming at best. Just about 3 weeks ago Jadon was diagnosed with Centralized Auditory Processing Disorder. It is a hearing problem/learning disability. From what we've read it sounds like Jadon fits the bill perfectly for having this. We are still in the sorting-out-the-best-way-to-handle-this phase. When we get back to Pocatello we meet with a gal at ISU to discuss her opinion of how to best treat Jadon. It has been hard to weed through all the emotions surrounding this. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful it was this diagnosis instead of say cancer or something along those lines but this has it's own struggles too. More than I ever would have thought. Family is one. Not everyone wants to accept this. Why? I don't really know. It doesn't mean Jadon is stupid and unable to live a normal life. Maybe, there is some pride in there for them. Who knows. I had to fight feeling very attacked when talking to them about it. Most family, though, said things along the line of, "oohhh, that explains so much". Was this a better reaction? Ummm, let me get back to you on that. Now, I'll be honest, that thought went through my mind when I was doing my research on what CAPD kids look/act like. But, as a momma bear, it was a little hard to hear that verbalized from other people. Anyway, I will be using this blog as a way to keep a journal of this newest adventure. Good thing my English teacher doesn't come in here to read this and correct it. There should probably be more punctuation, possibly a new paragraph in here, etc. But, it's MY blog, my thoughts, and not subject to ex-English teacher grading. Whew! *wipes brow* Back to the subject of this post. Seattle has been sunny and WARM this week. Like 90 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, sunny and warm. And, I have been loving it!!!! To the best of my ability my goal has been to not think about what faces me at home when I get back and just enjoy each and every moment. So, today, Brian gets done early. I think we are riding the ferry over to Seattle to get some A.Mazing. fish and chips and then riding the ferry back. Could we get amazing fish and chips here on the island? Probably. But, then Jadon wouldn't get to ride the ferry again which he really wants to do. Hey, that is the beauty of having only one child. INDULGENCE!!!! PS: We spent Sunday, Monday, and part of Tuesday with my Grandma, Aunt Yvonne, and Aunt Cecelia in Maple Valley. It was great to laugh and have fun with family for a few days. But, that is not why I am telling you that. It was also educational. I found out why at the ripe, old age of 37 I am going through (and almost done with) menopause. It comes from the Rantalas. I am Finnish afterall, not just German.

Oh my heckers!

Has it really been 3+ years since I blogged anything? Schade! So much has changed...and somethings have stayed the same. That's life though. No one reads this...except me...when I am feeling nostalgic...like today. But, I would like to maybe chronicle this life a bit because in three years I have learned that my memory is not getting any better. Again, schade! Today's random thought: Do you ever just have a social fantasy of confronting someone about something that normally society says you should let go? Who doesn't, right? Well, today I did it. We were "defriended" on facebook by a family member which I discovered when I went to write on said family member's wall. I was appalled, well, okay, not really because I was pretty sure that this person was mad at us. Which is a whole other story that I won't go into because I already feel like I have taken the social time travel machine back to junior high today. Anyway, I personal messaged this person and said, defriended? really? what's up with that? No response as of it and trust me I am not holding my breath. There was a time when people did what the Bible says to do. You know, either forgive and grace the person as you have been graced or actually talk to them and get their side of the story, or at least let them know you are upset with them and why. This really blows my mind concerning family, especially if the family is also a fellow believer. I mean we will spend eternity together but we can't be friends on facebook? Am I guilty of this? Most likely, it is easier to just click a button and think to yourself, there problem solved or ha! I showed them! I'd love to just take life by the horns everyday and confront every situation head on like this. But, I won't because I am only brave when I've had a belly full and maybe this person has the same problem. It all boils down to grace,on both ends, so I will grace this person and hope for an answer.